Recently, i read an article on rookie that a friend recommended. It was the editors letter by the one person i aspire to be like so much, Tavi Gevinson. Since I was 12 years old shes been everything ive wanted to be, and she writes beautifully.. i really wish i could be as great as her.
But thats besides the point, Tavi is almost finished high school, almost officially considered an adult, i cant understand what that must feel like as Im not even 16. But i still can appreciate what she feels. She talks about the ending of Forever, the concept of adolescence and feeling invincible and perfect and living in the moment. She elaborates on memories of her life and talks about her fears, you can find the article here.
So here is a bit about my forever, my feeling of losing forever even though i still have some forever left.
I do feel what Tavi describes sometimes, that feeling of complete perfection that this is the time, that this is the moment, Forever helps me get through my days at school, my days in life.
I havent felt it in a while, But thats ok i dont always need to feel it.
I havent had the perfect high school experience, But i have beautiful memories of perfect moments in my up and down life.
Taking a walk on the beach by myself on a lazy sunday afternoon, taking selfies and trying to take creative photos of the environment around the coastal colder sack my dad lived in, letting the water tickle my toes and rolling up my sopping wet jeans.
Playing dress ups in Clares down stairs bedroom pushing my pubescent body into clothes clearly too small for me and giggling as we all tried to look the 'hottest', slaughtering my face with eyeliner and taking such horrible and badly posed photos for the sake of sexy
The first time I saw Izza and everything that now means to me, the fact that she accepted me into her group and into her world and high school wouldnt have been the same without her.
Being hitting by a water balloon on year 12 muck up day as i sat on a boys lap, the feeling of being on a boys lap and being held around the waist by his strong arms, the hot feeling of embarrassment on my checks as my entire body is soaked by stagnant water.
Watching horror movies in Izzas Granny flat and dancing to the beatles on new years eve,
Running up the street singing i just had sex by lonely island the day i lost my virginity, falling asleep knowing id finally had sex with somebody and feeling like my life would be changed
Having my friends crowd around me as i suffered from my first piercing, and then spending the whole day in town pushing each other in an abandoned shopping trolley and sipping grappa out of an ice tea bottle at the park, while yelling obscene things at 13 year olds.
Slow dancing in an opshop with my first boyfriend as the old ladies clapped and spoke of how sweet
we looked together
Learning about the world of alternative music, through my conversations with Izza at lunch and on the bus.
Flirting with cute boys at the train station on work experience, feeling optimistic as i listened to ' the suffering by coheed and cambria' the soundtrack to my independence and my confidence.
Drawing various cartoons of our science teacher all over our books with Izza, wasting all of year 8 maths talking about bullshit and playing truth or dare under the table.
Trampling around the town trying to 'pick up boys' with an older friend.
The first time a p plater drove me home, listening to horrible techno music as everyone stared at us.
Throwing a stone into the ocean to signify forgetting a past love as i tried to mend a broken heart on a road trip with my mother.
Making out with a boy in his car near council property at night, feeling hot breath on my neck as he whispered sweet nothings and un did my pants.
Harassing an older boy with a stupid fringe and obsessively making jokes about him
Skinny Dipping with my friends at night, in a drunken state as we all saw what each other looked like naked in the moonlight, screaming as we got covered in glowing algae and speaking secrets and truths to each other that we all knew wouldnt happen if we were sober.
Making out to records with the first boy to appreciate them.
Using an Ouija board with Jess while Josh danced around in tights holding a pineapple
Driving down a freeway in the city with my mother, windows rolled down, radio on, telling her all the things we knew i wouldnt say if we were at home.
Smoking my first joint behind the garden shed, washing the smoke out of my hair and not understanding the hype about drugs
Eating a pastry in a bakery and planning my future with a friendly old man, realizing that i dont have alot of time left
I have alot of memories all that mean a different things to me, even sad memories like watching my mother drive off crying, wearing my school pants and a see through top, sitting on my dads driving way crying because i had acne and no friends and my parents had just split up and i was all alone in the world.
Running away from my boyfriends house on his birthday when i found out he was cheating on me, choking back tears and feeling the deep feeling of sickness in my stomach that only a boy could give to me.
Tying a noose on a beam on my house.
Alot of my favourite memories involve under age drinking, which i would rather not mention, but i think thats what makes them favourite, the nostalgic feel to it, the fact that it was forbidden and i felt dangerous doing it, realistically we never ever had much considering we were just taking sips.
Alot of my memories involve intimacy with guys, because i associate sex with maturity and growing up, because i associate sex with love and love means everything to me. My first kiss, the first time somebody told me they loved me are so pure and personal to me, these are the times i do feel in the moment and i do feel invincible.
Alot of my memories involve my current friends, who mean the world to me, who are eternally important to me.
No not all of these are feelings of forever, there are the times i was broken down and crushed by the world and the weight that it left on my shoulders, but these memories go hand in hand with my feelings of forever. My time is not over yet, my memories not finished being made, Im not the editor of one of the most popular alternative teen magazines with a huge international fan base, Im a strange bi sexual girl in a shitty country town, Im not normally very sentimental, I used to be once, but I think i hide it deep inside my tough introverted exterior, but I am sentimental about how i became who i am, without all of my memories and experiences, my forevers, i dont know if i would have been able to survive in this town.